Celebrating the Imperfect Mother in All of Us

By Nikki Klock

Deep breath. I think I’m finally ready to go public about an incident that happened in early September 2006. It was the same month I took over the reigns from Vancouver Family Magazine founder, Summer Morris. She had graciously agreed to come with me on some magazine related errands to help me learn the ropes.  While Summer’s kids were able to stay home with her dear husband, I’d had to tow my 2 girls along, in our new station wagon. I was still getting used to all the gadgets, gismos and buttons on the blasted thing. After dropping off some magazines, I walked up to the car, unlocked the doors and set my purse, keys and cell phone on the car seat.  I carefully buckled my 8 month old and 3 year old daughters into their car seats and as I pushed the door shut, I realized my terrible mistake. I had specifically pushed the unlock button (or so I thought) to make sure I wouldn’t lock the kids in, but my fingers apparently misidentified. So there Summer and I were, in a warm parking lot in Fisher’s Landing with my two precious daughters in a hot car. Thank goodness Summer has so much more presence of mind in emergencies than I do. As I stood there trying to summon the best logical solution to the problem, she wasted no time running into the athletic club we had just exited and calling 9-1-1. Before I knew it, two or three Bally’s employees were outside with us, waiting for the towing company to come break the kids out of their mom-imposed prison, and consoling me by sharing their own worst possible mothering moments. I think I was fine, emotionally, until both girls started crying and sweating, while I could do nothing but try to assure them, through my own tears and a layer of thick glass, that we would get them out “in just a minute.” When the tow truck man arrived, he had the doors opened and my children placed safely in my arms in no time at all. He kindly explained that they didn’t charge a fee for their services under these circumstances. (Apparently I’m not the only mom who has done this, always nice to know.)

But why admit this unfortunate circumstance now? Why let it all hang out at the risk of public humiliation and judgement? The answer came from VFM publisher, Julie Buchan, who suggested we do employ our May Mother’s Day issue to celebrate the imperfect mother in all of us. “We all apologize for our homes being messy when people come over,” she said, “but all of our houses are messy at some point or another!” And the more we apologize for our inevitable mistakes, the more we perpetuate the impossible standard of perfection, especially when it comes to protecting our own families.

Although the details may differ, every mother has had more than a few moments like my child-imprisoning affair. Moments when we felt completely inadequate, ill equipped, stupid, unfit, inept, clueless, and well, imperfect as can be. So if every mom has her moments, why do so many of us set an unattainable standard as if the best time in a sprint will earn us a gleaming trophy at the end of the race? Because our children are the most important thing to us, and the fear of screwing them up wracks us with torment, that’s why. But take a look back at your own childhood and you’re sure to find your own mother’s imperfect moments woven through your memory like the threads of an intricate embroidery – the good and bad all part of the grand tapestry of your life. At worst, you swore you’d never make the same mistakes. At best, you learned deep down that even the most Stepford of us can’t do it all, much less do it all flawlessly.

Call me voyeuristic, or even cruel, but in my quest to research the truly imperfect mother in all of us, I invited some of my mommy friends to be case studies by asking them for examples of their own imperfect mothering moments. Man, was it comforting to know that my friend Lauren’s son had fallen off the couch onto hard tile and suffered a minor concussion just at the moment that she’d reached down to pick up his shoe. And boy, does it make me feel less alone when another friend, Carissa, writes of her worry that she’s handicapping her daughter by coddling her too much, or when Kyra sends me pictures of her son’s masterpiece: paint handprints all over the wall of their new dream house (side note: after failing at every attempt to eliminate the stains, she decided to keep the artwork up). I’ve never witnessed any of these women during their imperfect moments – to my mind they are faultless.  But the everyday routine of keeping children alive, much less well mannered and behaved, can never be untarnished. In Lauren’s words, “even if you have your eyes on your child at all times, things can still happen!”

I am sure there are many mothers with stories so personal, embarrassing or upsetting, that they don’t want anyone else to know. Perhaps these incidents are still bothering you to this day.  To those mothers I say, “Learn from your mistakes and move forward doing the best you can and seek comfort knowing just about every mother probably has a story that will top yours.”

I hope we all celebrate what writer Kathryn Black calls in the forward to Therese Borchard’s The Imperfect Mom the “perfect enough mother.” Instead of being good enough, a phrase that seems to cheapen the needs of those most treasured by us, their parents, we can be perfect enough as we, in Ms. Black’s words, lead with our hearts. In other words, focus on what we can do well and our love for our children. Nevermind the hurdles in the track.

Nikki Klock became co-owner and Editor of Vancouver Family Magazine in September 2006.  The oldest of seven children, she grew up mainly in the northwest, attended college in Utah, and has lived in Vancouver with her husband, JR, and two young daughters since 2003. Be sure to visit Nikki's YourBabyYourWay.com blog to see her latest postings.