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Intimacy while trying to conceive

Q: Now that my husband and I have decided to try to have a baby, our sex life has taken a nosedive. Being intimate used to be a spontaneous, important part of our life, but now it just seems like work. What can I do to remain positive about this new twist on our life? What can I do to make our relationship better right now?

A:What an amazing, valuable question! It is so important to maintain this part of your relationship and keep it healthy. My husband and I have been faced with these same questions. I would encourage you to get that babysitter and take your honey out for dinner – and have a conversation. Discuss what sex means for each of you. Typically for women it is about love, comfort, feeling cared for. For men it is the above and a physical release. You can ask each other these questions: How many times per week is ideal for your partner? What time of day does he prefer? Is mid morning better for you when the baby is napping and you are still AWAKE? Maybe a great time for you is on the weekends but during the week, maybe take care of your honey? That counts as two for him!

Remember that you both have different needs and desires and finally remember to pamper yourself. Do not let yourself go. No grandma underwear or frumpy clothing. Wear perfumed lotions and take a shower every day. These things alone will help you to remain feeling feminine and beautiful and desire intimacy with your spouse.

— Sharla Vellek, Life Coach, Empowering Grace

Spouses disagree on when to start a family

Q: Before we were married, my husband and I both agreed that raising a family would be a priority for both of us. Now I’m ready to get started, but my spouse always has an excuse to wait longer … financial security, job pressures, etc. It seems like there will never be a “perfect” time. How can we resolve this?

A:It is difficult to be on different levels with your spouse. For men providing is what they were born to do. When they feel that things are not in align to accomplish this, it creates the feelings your spouse is having. With today’s economy it adds extra pressure. I would encourage you both to sit down and communicate about your feelings. What would be an ideal situation for him? Ask him to be specific. For example, would he like $5000 in savings and all debt but car and mortgage paid off? Maybe if he sees his “ideal” beginning to exist, he will settle down and desire a family as well. Then share with him how you feel and how much you want to work with him.

— Sharla Vellek, Life Coach, Empowering Grace

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When making a big purchase like a new car or house, you put a lot of research into finding just the right one. Well, when it comes to your health it’s important to put that same effort into finding the right OB/GYN. To guide your search, consider both your rapport with the doctor and their experience and knowledge.

What does an OB/GYN know?
A four-year residency prepares an OB/GYN to see women through pregnancy, birth, and menopause. An OB/GYN also can perform surgery on the reproductive organs. An OB/GYN is schooled in yearly preventative health care, such as cancer screenings, exercise counseling, and immunizations.

After residency, an OB/GYN may become certified. Board certification requires passing a rigorous written and oral test. Certification must also be maintained with more testing every few years. You can assume that a board certified OB/GYN has the up to date skills, knowledge, and experience to treat many different conditions of women’s health. By the same token, a lack of board certification should be questioned.

Narrowing your choices.
A good place to start when choosing an OB/GYN is to find out what your family, friends and coworkers like about the doctors they see. You should call the offices of two or three doctors that interest you. The staff can tell you about the doctor’s education, training, and board certification, as well as provide information about insurance plans, lab procedures and hospital affiliation.

Questions for your potential doctor.
Before visiting a doctor, gather all your prescriptions and write down any questions you may have. Here are a few to get you started.

What kind of preventative health care do you recommend?
How would you care for someone with my health issues?
Who cares for your patients when you’re on vacation?

Choosing a doctor is a personal experience and nothing will substitute for a face-to-face meeting. You will find that comfort and rapport is just as important your doctor’s experience or knowledge. A doctor needs to be privy to all of your health issues – even ones that are sensitive in nature. If you do not feel like you can talk about all of your health issues, you may need to find doctor.

From Southwest Woman, Spring/Summer 2009

This Week's Expert

Sharla Vellek
Empowering Grace